1. |
Letter One :: Dear John
02:46
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Dear John,
Such bad notes, I’m sorry I write. If it’s too much, just stop reading. You are too far away, and I cannot trace your veins. If only I could touch your face, before you’re gone. I thank God I have no pictures of you, for I’d look at them every night. I cannot seem to stop remembering. And I’m sure you keep your memories too, but yours are of someone other than me. I’m almost thankful for the distance between you and I, because it’s important to me that you never see me cry. I’ve written this letter several times, just to hide the tear-splotches across the page, but I guess my ink reveals all. It’s true what I’ve read, that one loves the sunset when one is so sad. I find myself speaking to the sky every night. [It’s like] I pray for amnesia, just to forget you. I thought it would be easy to leave you behind, but you’re still in front of me. . But if I’m the one who flees, you cannot leave me. But I’m afraid that I ran too late, for you’ve left long ago. I thought I could wait and see. I had hoped that you would choose me. Well, I don’t want to wait for the leaves to change. I just need a change of feeling. I want to feel anything but a kiss on my lips… anything but a human on my hips. I’d like to remove my mind, or at least find an eclipse, dismiss these thoughts for a while, and try to forget your smile…
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2. |
Letter Two :: Ignored
01:26
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I see you smile when you think of her a while. When your cheek hit mine, you smiled that smile. When your feet brushed mine, you smiled that smile. When you spoke to me, you smiled that smile. When you brushed my hair away, you smiled that smile. When you looked at me, you were thinking of her. And that’s exactly what made you smile. But I smiled to think I could be loved. And I smiled to think that I could be something you’d want/need. And I smiled to think that I had reason enough. To believe that your smiles weren’t just a bluff. But they were, they are. I was cured, I was sure. But now I’m simply being ignored…
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3. |
Letter Three :: Faith
01:46
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Faith found me today. I was lying with my head at the bottom of the staircase. Suddenly my chest began to raise, and the oxygen lifted my face. I know I’m being vague, so let me put it this way. I had an accident, a bad day. Every face seemed to turn away. I picked up the phone to call you, but you weren’t there. And suddenly I fell down the stairs. When the blood finally froze my face, I lied awake. And that’s when faith found me. At my lowest point. I’m feeling better and the bruises are fading. I had a cool cast, and I wish you could sign it, like you signed my skin. I’m sorry, I won’t bring those things up anymore. I’ve lost some things, but I wish the fall would have taken all of those parts of my memory…
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4. |
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It’s been a month since my last letter. I hope this one finds you better, especially today, on your birthday, that is if this letter arrived on time. I disappeared for a while, well quiet honestly, I lost a big part of me. But it’s a part that had to die, in order for me to live a softer life. Anyways, are you still collecting Pez dispensers? I’ve enclosed two for you. Happy Birthday! Were you surprised when you received a box instead of an envelope with my return address on it? I hope you were. I would have liked to see your reaction. Since I’m going to be writing more regularly, I’ve started leaving thank you letters for my mail carrier. I want to be nice to my mailman or lady so that they don’t stop the deliveries! I don’t mean to bring it up again, but I’ve been getting some of my memory back, and I was wondering, if you’re getting any of yours back…
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5. |
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Is there anything that reminds you solely of me? It’s not just you I’m asking. I wonder if anyone thinks of me right before they fall asleep. I had a dream about you the other night. You were walking down the opposite side of the street from me. Someone dropped their scarf, even though it was summer, and you picked it up when suddenly it turned into an worm, but you started to pet it. Then you patted it’s head, or tail, I couldn’t tell, and you walked away. The light turned red at the crosswalk and you stopped. I went to cross the street, but you didn’t see me, and the light turned green. I saw your light turn green, and I thought it was mine, so I started to cross, but just had bad timing, because a truck came flying by, and I looked it’s windshield in the eye, and then I woke up, but in my dream I think I died.
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6. |
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Do I ever appear in your dreams? If so, do I look pretty? Or is it one of those things in which my face is just a haze, but you still know it’s me you’re seeing. It’s seems like I dream a lot less now. Even in terms of aspirations. I just don’t have the oxygen to keep me running as fast anymore. At least not as fast as the others. They keep beating me out. They keep asking me what I’m studying, where I’m going after this, but I don’t put my faith in academia. I want to ask them if they know where they’re going after ALL of this. If you know what I mean. Well that’s as far as I’m going right now in terms of philosophy. I don’t feel much like getting into it. These kids around me love speaking of politics and space. Then they walk by me, and kick dirt in my eyes. And when I try to rub it out, I close my eyes, and I see one face. But never mind, I’m just getting sentimental tonight. I promise more optimism next time.
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7. |
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I’ve just come back from a little trip. It was just half an hour away from my house, but it seemed closer to space. I like pretending like I’m in a different state than the one in which I live, you know… like a tourist. I pretend like it’s the first time seeing the mountains I drive by. Or like I’m seeing this lake for the first time. If your imagination is creative enough, you can bluff your brain. I almost pulled over an asked the gas station man for directions on my way! It was funny, I think you would have made a little joke to me, [had you been in the passenger’s seat]. I would have blushed, maybe punched your arm, and then you’d tickle me while I was belted and strapped into my driver’s seat. Speaking of cars, how’s yours holding up? Is it treating you well? Getting you from home to school to work then to practice? I hope so. I hope the sun shines brightly for you. And maybe you’ll look up at the stars one night at the same time as me.
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8. |
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I’m going to mention nothing of my being in this letter. It’s your turn to talk, well… write. How are you? How are your friends? What have you all been up to? Are you still doing the traveling thing? I remember you saying you wanted to visit a friend in Milwaukee, did you get to yet? If so, how was it? And how’s the job? Is it providing the travel money you need? Do you like working in sales, or is the scamming getting to you? Where would you say your favorite place to visit is? Is it your favorite in the way that you’d only like to visit, or would you go so far as to move there even? How about your friend in the hospital? Is she healing well? And what about your friend Sam’s mom? Is she holding up well? Is her hair coming back, or is it getting thinner? Is this too hard to talk about? I’m sorry if I’m asking too much, or if my questions make you think thoughts you don’t want to think. Just stop me whenever you need. Regardless, I’ll be praying…
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9. |
Letter Nine :: One Year
01:26
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I’ve just realized a beautiful thing. It’s our one year friendship anniversary! It’s one year since we met! I’m not sure of the exact day, but I mean it was around this time last year. Somewhere near April, do you remember? I was at the carnival with my friend Jen. We were meeting her boyfriend, at the time, and when he showed up, he showed up with you. I had just finished high school, and you had just finished a long-term relationship. We didn’t speak at all the whole time. I just stood to the right of Jen, and you to the left of her boyfriend. And when it came to riding that spinny ride, we had to split into pairs, so obviously Jen and her guy went together, and we were kind of stuck with one another. After the ride, the other two just ran off to another ride, and I just remember feeling really sick after all that spinning. With my head hung over while sitting on one of the park benches, you sat next to me and held the hair out of my eyes. Even then, we exchanged no words.
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10. |
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Thank you for the gifts and your presence too. I still watch the movies that I once watched with you. They don’t play the same, but neither do we. But I’m finally okay with what we’ve chosen to be. Take my letters, but don’t reed into them, and if she asks, well we’re just friends. There’s no reason for the friendliness to end, so here my ear remains.
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11. |
{finale}
02:00
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